***Insert Expletive Of Your Choice Here***

Who the frig turned winter back on? Halfwit!

A weekend of three halves.

Saturday morning: A 100 miler to Chester and back became a 52 mile half way to Chester, lost all feeling in my feet again so a swift left hander and back toward Macclesfield via Peover, Peunder and Perounder and Jodrell Bank. It would have made quite a scene. Lovely blue skies, fast moving white clouds, the Lovell telescope chatting with martians and me, swearing and bitching, quite vociferously (shouting actually) about crap but expensive mountain bike cycling shoes, inappropriate pedals, lack of feeling below my ankles and a very acute headwind that had it's very sharp point firmly shoved square between my eyes! ***Insert Expletive Of Your Choice Here***...here's mine: HYBRIDE! (Apologies if you are easily offended and speak french. If you're not and you don't, it says B4ST4RD).

Saturday afternoon and beyond:   Blackpool.      OH.MY.GOD!      Teenage sulk meister and mates, in the car and off to Blackpool for the fun fair. It wasn't fun and it wasn't fair! How much? To go up and down in a cartoon cart on railway tracks? Had a go on that one for £8 of two minutes vomit inducing up and down? MINT! You can do it again here for another £8! each! Plus a fiver just to get through the soddin' door in the first place. EACH!

And. OH.MY.GOD! The people! Are they even people? No, that's harsh. On people! Reprobated mutants in flabby orange peel like pleb forms, urging members of the opposite sex, at the top of their voices to expose private areas of their person to all and sundry walking by. I couldn't honestly advise if they did or not, I didn't dare look. What a hole! Blackpool, I mean. The place needs nuclear bombing from orbit.
Professor Green concert, Blackpool. I'll be taking that experience to the grave.

Sunday. Wind, rain, hail, no bike ride for me. I know, a quiet relaxing day at home with The Ladies(tm). Never again! Dusted the mansion from top to bottom and side to side. Much tut'ing and under the breath "something else he's bobbins at" had me doing it inside out as well. I Think it passed muster. Then, the hoovering. Can't go wrong. extra flapjack for me, guaranteed. ***Insert Expletive Of Your Choice Here***...here's mine: JESUS WEPT! The spinney thing on the hoover stopped being a spinney thing! Three scewdrivers, half a tin of WD40, a snapped pair of scissors, 3 near fatal finger stabbings, one plaster and all's working again. Even moaning mouth! The half peg that jammed the whole thing up and almost changed my status to that of (finger) amputee, "Should have been put in the bin, not under the dining room table!" AAAAARRGGHHH!!!!! Followed by floor mopping, dog walking, picture hanging, window blind fixing, bathroom cleaning, bacon, egg and fried slice cooking........Unless it's apocalypsical, I'm going bike riding. It's easier.

Maths is not really my strong point. Weekend of three halves? Sod it! It took ages to type that and the windows need cleaning. I best get on.

Shiny Shoes

Shiny white and silver running shoes actually.  I went for a run in them this morning. Down the woods, through the park, along by the river, up through the vale.....I'm not doing that again. I've properly hurt myself.
A bobbins day. Lots of things wrong that can't be put right very quickly.
Time to focus on the good stuff and see it for what it is. This time will pass.
Some things won't be put right, they can't be put right because they're not right and I'm not going to waste my energy trying anymore.
Sorry, I'm being daft.
Normal service will be resumed.

Very Sad Yet Very happy

Set off for work on the road bike this morning. A bit late, in a rush, needed to get some speed up. STOP!
Cars and vans backed right up the road. U turns, three point turns and even one person in a Nissan 4 wheel drive thing unable to turn. Or drive it at all, it would seem.
Police blocking the road.  No vehicles. I was allowed to walk with my bike. "Go careful, mate" from one of the bobbies.....strange thing to say I think. Then. I know what he meant. Bike, helmet, rucksack in the road. No rider. Police cars blocking every connecting road off. Tape all around the scene. One look at me with my bike by another officer. Something in that look......my condolences to the cyclist and his/her family, friends and my sincere regrets for the life that now won't be lived.

A 30 mile diversion home. A nice ride. Bad things, good things, sad things, happy things...they'll happen. We do what we can to tip the scales in our favour but sometimes, too often, it's nothing even near to being enough.

Try to do good things. Try to be happy.

I made an enquiry on www.singletrackworld.com about how I can get me and the bike to London for the start of the ride. A major logistical not thought about problem. Bugger me! The guys have only gone and booked me a room! MINT! Thank you so much fella's. Properly mint!

Things are getting serious now!

For those fleeting moments of spare time that are so fleeting I don't have enough time to get my bike pyjamas on, disco shoes out of the cave along with helmet, spare tubes, air cans (nothing like as ace as they sound - it's the little boy in me). energy bar, decide if it will be a flat singlespeed spin, a fast (yeah- like) road blast, a hilly (I live next to the Peak District. They're all hilly) training fest, a chilled smell the flowers (I live in Stockport- what flowers?) mountain bike ride or a vice like grip of the handlebar mountain bike death wish fast ride (I've only done that once..long and unhappy story...NEVER again!) I've bought some running shoes to go running......predictably.
They're Reeboks! Wooh!
They're very white. Nice!
They're very silver. Flash!
They had car drivers flashing their lights, sounding their horns and nearly crashing!
They amplify sunlight and reflect it back like some kind of solar reflecting shield!
They were also very cheap from Windsors World of Chav Shoes!
They had lot's in all different sizes!
They are only ever going outside on my feet again in the very dark of night!
I thought I'd try them out with a walk to and around the park with The Chompmeister. Just to get a feel of them. Make sure they fit nice. Don't rub, Don't slip. Don't pinch. Break them in a bit as my dad used to say of the PVC slip ons with tassles that I had to have every year for school from age 6 to 16. I'm sure he got a job lot of the same size that I eventually grew into and then very quickly back out of again. My dad was a bar steward. He said he was an engineer and yes, to be honest, he made things out of metal with big machines but whenever I was asked, my dad was a bar steward.
Enquirer: "What's your dad do?"
Me: "He's a bar steward"
Enquirer: "In Offi' Social club in the week?"
Me: "Everywhere. Always"
I digress. Marc Bolan's sneakers - ridiculously like something out of Space 1999. Being worn with ever decreasing pride by the div (me) with the dog (the dog), to the park, for a gentle try out.
As if!
Reach park. Dog off lead. Dog sees cat. Cat sees dog. Cat runs at dog. DOG RUNS FASTER THAN FRIDAY NIGHT''S NON BOILED EGG FILLED WHIPPET AT BELLE VUE DOGS IN THE OPPOSITE  DIRECTIION - I swear you could not make this up!
Running shoes and my feet, legs and lungs get a proper pasting (as would of that cat if I'd got hold of it's scrawny bar steward neck), trying to catch THE MOST USELESS DOG ON THE PLANET!
Shiny shoes? Still shiny. Rubbing? Check. Slipping? Check? Pinching? Check? Broken in? Not a bleedin' chance!
Mint! Totally Mint!

The Generosity of (almost complete) Strangers

I sometimes (it's relative, OK!) spend time looking at a couple of cycling based websites. One of which is www.singletrackworld.com . It's not what it used to be but then again neither are my immense dribbling, crossing and scoring skills on the left wing.
Anyway, there is a gentleman who frequents the forum area of the said website. I've actually been for a ride with this gentleman who I should really introduce to you. *enter stage left* Mr Tony 'Jedi' Doyle. Predictably, I had such an impact and influence on Tony during this Peak District mountain bike ride that he can't actually remember it or indeed me. Nothing new there. I have that kind of presence.
Anyway (2). Tony like far too many became unemployed. How very sad. Ahhh, but it wasn't you see.Tony (and his mates and everybody who goes on one of his mountain biking skills instruction courses it would seem) have this 'Jedi' like ability to ride a bike like some kind of bike riding celestial being. "He gets inside your head" in a good way, they say.
Tony opened a business teaching people how to ride (mountain bikes mainly) quicker, smoothlier and up down and through stuff that normally you'd want a ladder and ropes to navigate.
I made a tentative enquiry to see if Tony has a gift voucher scheme or something so I could buy a voucher for the St. Ann's Hospice Big Bike Ride raffle. I was going to cheekily ask if it would be OK if I didn't actually pay for the voucher until it was presented for use?  Because this fund raising event is being run alongside a glorified raffle, its possible that next door but ones Great Aunt Audrey could win the voucher and probably not use it........ever. Which would be a waste of a great prize and my £100. Having said that, I'd pay £200 to see next door but ones 92 year old Great Aunt Audrey 20 feet up in the air, riding a mountain bike along pieces of wood that are 4 inches wide. Look - No Ropes! No word of a lie. It's mental! Have a look on You('ve been framed)Tube. MENTAL! In a good way......but there is no way I'm going up there! Happily, he's just as 'Jedi' like at the basics of getting you and your bike down a lumpy, bumpy track still attached to your bike and very happy about it all to boot.
Anyway (3). The absolute legend of a man has only donated, gratis, free of charge, without financial recompense a voucher that gives it's holder a day's coaching at www.ukbikeskills.co.uk
Thanks Tony! Legend!
The voucher will be going on the Interweb very soon, Get your wallet out.

I Kid You Not!

I have it in email so it can't be denied. A person who shall remain nameless (for now anyway) has actually asked who 'Stann' is!
Help.    Me.     Out!
St. Ann's Big Bike Ride. NOT Stanns Big Bike Ride!
Because Gmail won't allow apostrophe's etc, it had to go in as stannsbigbikeride. It's not hard, is it?
Does that make it clear enough for you Luke?.......whoops!

67 road miles today. Lots of climbing and a day of four seasons. Set off in Autumn like cold rain at 7:30am, it was spring like warm drizzle climbing up Long Hill to Buxton, glorious summer sunshine dropping down into Macclesfield and head battering winter hail stones coming out of Tatton Park. Well, not hail stones physically coming out of Tatton Park like it's some kind of hail stone dispensing facility. The other things that were coming out of Tatton Park were cars with happy families, mum's and dad's laughing (I'd like to think with me rather than at me) and little guys waving, sticking tongue's out and hysterically, the one finger salute! Mint! She must have been about three years old.
I have a question. If you have enough cash, equity or blag about you to be able to have the use of, if not own a Range Rover and it's like...............why are you so (I won't swear but you can if you like) miserable? If I had that much cash, I'd be hyperventilating with hysterics.
I discovered that a banana, 500ml of corporation pop (tap water if you don't come from a council estate) and 500ml of water with a cherry Nuun hydration tablet is not enough. I'd eaten a snickers bar before paying for it in the shop in Heald Green. I think the shop keeper was going to have a word about shoplifting but though better of it when I began weeping in the back of the shop when it started to work it's magic.  Being arrested would have done for me. No need to pedal home. they'd feed me and give me a blanket.....all I got when I got home was the dog digging up the garden, Emily sulking about something I couldn't be bothered asking about and Nicky doing yoga with her face. I suspect wife's yoga face and daughter's sulky demeanour were directly connected.

PS. I did actually pay for the snickers bar.....officer.

UNBELIEVABLE!!!!

Face Ache have sent me a warning to stop trying to be friends with people I don't know or they'll ban me! 46 years on this bizzare planet and only two days of it as a Face Ache member and they're trying to oust me already! Social media. Hmmm, give me a clue, eh? I'm supposed to turn down sponsors if I've not been previously introduced?
Ha! I'll introduce my brother to Face Ache. He'll have them on their knees!
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